Hekate's Call, Chapter 38

It had been about four hours and thirty minutes into their new room arrangement and Ilina Falke had done absolutely nothing but sit on the bed and stare into the distance with that dangerous empty-eyed stare, swinging the remote on its chain like a little pendulum. She hadn’t responded to any questions and didn’t want to even look at Krystyn either.

Ilina was fully unpacked, as much unpacking as there was to do. A few drawers of clothes and her little tool bags. All the other decorations in that room belonged to Velia, which was a shame because looking at the little faux-starlit nest and imagining Ilina’s adorable sleeping face dappled by diffused faerie lights was driving Krystyn a little insane. They should set something similar up together.

“Hey, can I apologize for the thing with Manya?” Krystyn sat on the bed and tried her best to pull her attention away from the dangling remote. “You’re right, I had no right to make that decision for you. I just thought I could protect you…”

No reaction whatsoever. Maybe she should just go work out and come back and hope something had changed. As Krystyn finally resigned herself to her failure and stood up, Ilina finally opened her awful fucking mouth.

“Take that collar off.” Not a question or a suggestion. “You put it on just to spend more time with me, right? Now you have all the time you could dream of.”

There it was. That must have been the thing going on in that inscrutable mind of hers, or at least one of them. Goddess only knows what else is going on in there at any given time when she’s got that face on.

“I need it if I want to go anywhere on the Gestalt,” Krystyn offered weakly.

“I guess you don’t need to take it off.”

Ilina spun the chain on her finger, once, twice, and then let it sail across the room landing neatly on the pillow on the other bed. Damn, that was so casual that it might have made Krystyn’s heart flutter if it wasn’t in the process of cracking in two.

Her head spun as she tried to figure out everything started to fall apart. Velia had a right to be angry with how eager and starry-eyed Ilina was listening to Taitle describe the same woman that she’d been quietly worshiping for who knows how long. Their shared memory of a woman that by all rights sounded less like a human being and more like the violence of the empire personified and stitched in flesh.

Though if it was anything, it was almost certainly when Ilina whined about how lucky the drugged, brainwashed pilots who got to hump at the Handler’s legs were. How she would have given anything for the chance. It made Krystyn’s stomach churn, she could only imagine what Ilina’s actual girlfriend felt about it especially after Ilina rut against her boot while she wore a close approximation to the Handler’s uniform.

Wait. Hold on. What the fuck happened, Krystyn, girl? When did you start getting emotionally beat around by these women? Shut up and cut that out. Action. What do you want right now?

Krystyn walked across the room and snatched up the remote and took it back to Ilina, who growled at her like some kind of feral dog, and sat down on the bed in front of her.

“Would you feel differently if it was your collar around my neck? Can we do that?”

Ilina flinched at the question before muttering, “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

“Then teach me, please.” Krystyn took off the collar and put it on the bed next to Ilina. “I want to understand.”

Finally the girl moved, digging her fingers into the bedsheets around the collar and the remote, squeezing them and staring at them. She picked it up and moved it around in her hands, examining every piece closely, making affirming little noises as she did. And then she pushed past Krystyn gently with the collar in hand.

“Stay,” Ilina said firmly as Krystyn reached out to stop her.

Stay. Stay. She couldn’t be mad at being ordered around like a dog after wearing the stupid collar for longer than she should of. The stupid collar that anchored her, that quietly gave her a feeling of belonging, that she no longer had. Once Ilina had taken it beyond her sight, she had no idea where Ilina was. She couldn’t even approximate.

She was alone.

And, fuck, it hurt a lot.

Krystyn had to sit with that feeling of hurt and being alone for what felt like forever. It felt like Ilina was having a jab at her. Maybe she was going to go spend her day in Kyrnn’s room again. Maybe she wasn’t planning on coming back at all. She found herself just staring at the door trying to regulate her breathing.

And now she felt like a dog waiting for its master to return home from work. Great. Just great.

The room really was empty without Manya’s effects. Her little baubles and mood-setting lamps and that weird dock she had in the corner for Orchid. The room was already smelling less sweet and Krystyn never really expected to miss that — it used to come across as obnoxious as hell, really. All the little touches that made the room feel like home all belonged to Manya and that was depressing.

Everything about this situation was depressing.

Was Ilina going to come back? All she said was stay. She never said she’d come back.

It took over an hour for Ilina to return, wiping tears from her eyes but carrying a distinctly new and different collar, and before Krystyn really had a chance to process or observe much about it Ilina was already in the room.

“Sit,” Ilina pointed to a spot on the floor.

The thought that she was still taking orders like she was a dog didn’t bother her. At least she was a well-trained dog that didn’t need to be corrected, right? Fuck, she’d prefer a real shock collar and a regular electrocution than whatever Velia had come up with. She knelt where Ilina had pointed, and that seemed to be exactly what Ilina wanted.

She expected that Ilina would take the bed and talk down to her, so it was a little confusing to see the pervert kneeling directly in front of her fidgeting with the collar. Same nylon material, only black with a single red line tracing the circumference, and blessedly no humiliating little tag dangling from the d-ring.

“Surprised Velia gave up the pattern,” Krystyn remarked.

Ilina shrugged and let out some dark noise. “Don’t worry about her.” More like don’t talk about her.

“You said you wanted me to teach you, right?” Ilina seemed… overwhelmed by the prospect. “I’m not sure where to begin with it all.”

“Start with what it means to you.” Good. That sounded good. That could be mistaken for real advice. Good girl, Krystyn.

“It’s a promise.”

Oh, what a sickening word to use. Krystyn was starting to hate promises, for all the hurt she’d been put through on their account. And the emphasis on the word made its connection to Kyrnn apparent.

Morian won’t abide a broken promise.

“Ownership is complicated,” Ilina continued, “but that’s what I always thought it was supposed to be. You promise to trust me, to place yourself in my hands, and to let yourself be vulnerable.”

“I want that.” The words slipped out, abruptly, before Krystyn had even thought them and almost before Ilina had finished speaking. Surely she didn’t want that. Why did she say it?

Ilina forced a trembling little smile. “Gosh, aren’t you pathetic. You really will roll over for anyone’s attention, won’t you?”

No! No. “It has to be you.” Krystyn urged, reaching out to touch and reassure Ilina in some way. Maybe she was just teasing, but Krystyn needed to correct the sentiment.

“You don’t even want to hear what you’re supposed to get out of this?” She laughed, forced and awkward, and took Krystyn’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Are you sure I’m okay? I’ve never been on this side of things. I don’t know if I’ll do it right.”

There was a wound there that Krystyn felt the distinct displeasure of digging her fingers into and tugging at the stitches holding it together. She didn’t know the exact shape of it but she could guess. It couldn’t have just been Velia. This was something that the little pervert had let multiple people carve into her, wasn’t it?

“Yes. I’m sure.” Liar. You still don’t know what you’re getting into. Don’t hurt her like this. Slap her. Yell at her. Beat her into the ground until she has to crawl to the medbay. Just don’t hurt her like this.

"Okay,” Ilina took a few deep breathes before straightening herself out and making dutiful, almost intimidating eye contact. “Say it back, then.”

Say it back? Oh, of course. The promise. Didn’t Morian also make her repeat back her promise back then too?

“I promise that I’ll trust you. I will place myself in your hands, and I will let myself be vulnerable.”

With each word she could feel some tangle of feelings bubbling up and over. Another promise? Trust someone? Be vulnerable? You must be kidding, girl. You’ve never given anyone the satisfaction of either, and you’re suddenly going to put yourself in the hands of a little pervert who must hold a thousand and a half well-deserved grudges with you? At least you knew what you were getting into with suicide-by-Velia.

The little click as the buckle slid apart in Ilina’s hands pulled Krystyn back to her senses. Ilina leaned forward and reached up to wrap the collar around her neck. She paused before snapping it shut for a moment, Krystyn suspected she was weighing her last opportunity to walk away from this.

The polymer buckle snapped into place and she was subjected to that little garbled, distinctly technological, sound in the low levels of her consciousness as the collar connected to her neural hook. The little HUD lines appeared so briefly in her vision before fading as the implant and the collar connected and self-configured itself to hide unnecessary systems and by the end of the little sequence all she was left with was the friendly-finder system that drew an invisible line between her and the remote.

Two feet away. Forward, down.

In Ilina’s lap.

Ilina picked up the remote and pulled the chain over her head and dropped it down the front of her shirt. It was probably an unintended part of the design but the tug on the friendly-finder was ever-so-slightly different when it was against the pervert’s chest. It was that comforting feeling that started to quiet the anxiety she experienced when Ilina took away the last collar.

“I promise that I will teach you with patience. I will guide you as firmly as you need,” Ilina leaned forwards and embraced Krystyn with force. “And I swear above all else that I will protect you.”

What?

Ilina pulled Krystyn’s head into her shoulder and cradled it. What? Wait. Protect me?

“I won’t let anyone hurt you again,” Ilina whispered as she gently pat the back of a very stunned Krystyn, still trying to grapple with the concept. “Not Crater. Not Velia. Nobody will hurt you again. I won’t let them.”

The stupid, delusional fucking pervert kept saying it over and over again that Krystyn wasn’t allowed to imagine she’s misheard. Each time the little monster stroked the back of her head so disgustingly tenderly it felt like something was being peeled away and she fell further and further into her arms.

Krystyn began sobbing uncontrollably, for reasons she hadn’t quite pieced together properly, somewhere between Nobody will hurt you again and You’re safe now and definitely before Cry all you like, it’s just us here.

Did Morian tell her the crack in her armor to pry at? Did Velia? Or did Ilina see it before anyone else. At the very least she was happy it was Ilina who dealt this blow that was sure to end her.

For the first time in her life — it felt like, but surely she cried as a child somewhere before her memories began — Krystyn cried until she was sure she couldn’t, and then more after that. She started babbling too, spilling every awful little thought, every lie she’d told, every promise she’d made, every sin she’d committed, until she felt empty.

And, fuck, it kind of felt great.

Krystyn slipped out while Ilina was still asleep, making sure to wash her face exactly as she was shown and keeping their shared washroom tidy and organized. Manya had been bothering her for time alone together for the past week ever since they swapped rooms. It was cute to think that the awful devil missed her or something. A bit disgusting too.

The instant the door hissed shut behind her Manya was on her, grabbing her wrist and dragging her with force towards the locker room where she and Ilina shared plenty of quiet moments before all of this.

“Hurry up,” she hissed. “Velia’s a light sleeper, you have no idea how difficult it was to get out of there unnoticed.”

Once the two of them were inside Krystyn threw Manya against the wall. “What do you want?”

Manya let out an involuntary giggle at the force. Krystyn had learned a lot about Manya once she started pushing her around that she almost wished she never had to know. Once she recovered her voice plunged into conspiracy. “How are things with Ilina?”

“They’re good,” Krystyn sighed. Did she really get called out to talk relationships? “Girl’s cute. Teaching me a bunch of little things. We’re trying to brainstorm a way to decorate but neither of us are really good at that kind of thing.” Manya was chewing on her lip. “I take it the room swap isn’t treating you as well?”

The devil politely urged Krystyn to switch positions with her, and Krystyn found herself unnaturally accommodating. Manya was hiding something and the easiest way to get it out of her was to give her what she wanted — the creature loved gossip and couldn’t help herself from sharing.

“It’s not me I’m worried about, love,” Manya’s bedroom voice slipped back in.

“Love?”

Manya planted a little kiss on Krystyn’s neck before sliding down to her knees, wrapping her arms around Krystyn’s waist. An eerie subservience from this thing. “I told you before,” a stage whisper, a part of a performance, “I belong to you Charlotte.”

You have to ask my permission before you can lay hands on anyone else.

Krystyn shoved Manya back with a hand planted between her horns before kicking her onto her back. The devil put up no resistance and only met her with a weak, defeated smile. “May I be honest for a minute?”

The friendly-finder alerted Krystyn to Ilina moving around their room. Fishing out a jelly pack from the small fridge, no doubt, before going to the washroom for her little morning rituals. Krystyn didn’t have a lot of time to deal with whatever game Manya was playing this time.

“Charlotte, look at me, please.”

The devil wasn’t even making eye contact when Krystyn stared down at it. It glanced up just to make sure it had her attention, but couldn’t seem to bring itself to actually look at her. It was pathetic. This was a brand new character for Manya to drag out when it wasn’t getting its fucking way, right?

“Would I have had a real chance if I said I loved you a year ago? Two? Three years ago?” Tears were welling up in the corners of Manya’s eyes as she tried to maintain that smile. Tried and failed to keep her voice steady. “I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. You were never going to settle for me.”

Inhuman words from an inhuman thing. Whatever it needed to say to get under her skin.

“What kind of game are you playing now?” Krystyn couldn’t help but snarl. Everything about the situation was sending up alarm bells. Ilina was in the hallway now, moving away towards the gym. She couldn’t be found with this thing.

“Central Domon born and raised, vicious and cruel like everyone else,” the devil sang with that distorted laugh, “someone like you was never going to fall for the tranny dyke who doesn’t even look human. But you’ve always been a good friend, I guess. Never let that disdain show. Or at the very least you never said it to my face.”

Two words in the middle of that caught at Krystyn’s brains like fishhooks, but that was what it wanted. It looked pathetic. A heap on the floor, eyes cast down. Why was it saying any of this now? Not that it mattered. Every word out of its mouth for the past six years was disgusting and vile and now she’s trying to be sweet or something? She didn’t buy a word of it.

The collar played that familiar sensation. She could feel when Ilina worried her finger against the remote’s casing, which she tended to do when she was anxious or thinking about something. Krystyn had made a tactical decision not to tell the pervert that she could feel that. Ilina was walking back from the gym looking for her.

“Do you want something?” Krystyn snapped, trying to figure out how much time she had until Ilina walked in on the two of them. “Or are you just looking for attention?”

“Bit of both,” Manya started to stand, grasping at Krystyn's clothes to pull herself up. That neediness was cute on Ilina and frustrating on this thing. “Are you and Ilina getting on well?”

“Why do you care? You’ve done nothing but sabotage any attempt at a relationship I’ve had since we met.”

“Gods. You’re fucking dense.”

The leash pulled taut. Ilina was standing in the hallway just outside, not too close to the door, closer to the hanger door. She didn’t have time for Manya. Krystyn hit the door and wheeled out before Manya could try to stop her.

Ilina was half-asleep and had only bothered to pull on her pants and toss on a shirt, leaving her hair still down in a mess. Why did the pervert’s little smile make her feel so good? When Manya stepped out behind Krystyn and leaned against her, Ilina just tilted her head.

Promise me that you’ll never lie to me.

“I didn’t do anything,” Krystyn began. She should have left Manya sooner and avoided this entirely. “She dragged me in to talk. That’s all…”

“I believe you,” Ilina reached up and tousled Krystyn’s hair, eliciting a rather embarrassing sound in response. “You could if you asked first, though.” The reminder wasn’t necessary, she didn’t want Manya in the first place. “I’ve got my check-up today. One of Morian’s thorough screenings. She’s still convinced I’ll develop some sudden-onset cancer or something. I’ll catch up later.”

“Yeah, later.” Krystyn waved as Ilina turned and wandered off towards the medbay.

“Yeah, later.” Manya imitated in some overly girlish voice. It really did drive home how stupid Krystyn felt about it too. It held her clothes until Ilina was out of earshot so it could hiss at her. “She’s going to eat you alive, you know that?”

Krystyn shook the thing off. “What’s got you in such a fucking mood today?”

The hallway was silent as Manya shifted, eyeing all the doors in the hallway for movement before speaking. The same way they did when they needed to talk about Crater’s newest rules in the early days. It was so much harder to be alone on the Gestalt than it was back on Fucking-Nowhere with all the unmonitored nooks on the base.

“We can’t remove Ilina’s biometrics from the door,” Manya said in that low voice she only used for serious, important conversations. Real shit. “She let herself in when she was looking for the fabricator pattern for your collar while I was six and a half inches in Velia’s backside.”

Fuck.

Oh, fuck.

What did you do, Manya?

“She had that look on her face,” Manya made some motion with her hands that Krystyn didn’t catch. “You know the one. The face she made at us whenever you assaulted her.”

Anyone who had to live beside the dreadful pervert would try to forget that face. That flat expression with those vacant, half-there eyes like if a doll could hate, unflinching no matter what you said or did to it. Meeting that gaze could drive anyone to madness.

“I think you might deserve that,” Krystyn forced the words out to distance herself from the thought that Ilina buried that feeling before coming back. “You got caught fucking her girlfriend after all.”

Manya shook her head and leaned against the wall, rubbing her eyes with the back of her thumbs. “I just want you to look after yourself. You know how dangerous someone can get when they know they’ll never face consequences.”

Eventually the two of them split up. Manya decided to take a lap around the hanger so that Krystyn could return to her room without having to be near her longer than she needed to. Sometimes the devil could be considerate.

When it rained it fucking poured. It would be nice if at any point she wasn’t hammered by good things, baffling things, and awful things all at once. Was it really so wrong for her to enjoy something for once?

Of course it was wrong.

Krystyn would only find absolution for everything she’d done in the grave. And if that was only if she was lucky enough to die beyond the reach of the necromancer.

If she got to stay with Ilina, maybe being dead wouldn’t be all that bad.

She was really going to need to keep those kinds of thoughts to herself.