Hekate's Call, Chapter 33

Morian had left sometime in the early morning to do some tests and pilot check-ups. Ilina stayed in the bed for a while longer, shifting into the indent Morian had left in the mattress and soaking up the lingering scent of cigarettes and disinfectant. She grabbed some gel packs from Morian's fridge and had her breakfast curled up on the office chair, draped in the festive skeleton throw blanket and perused the files on the doctor's personal desk.

Files for Krystyn, Manya, Vigil, and Velia. Some of them were thicker with papers than the others, mostly Vigil's. She never opened any of the files, or moved them around too much. She got scolded for that just once when she tried to peak at Velia's file back at Carrion. Patient files were off-limits. One of Morian's few ethical boundaries.

There were no jars in this room.

Ilina always found that weird. The doctor's office back at Carrion was lousy with them, and all of them had been moved to the Gestalt's pilot medbay. But Morian's bedroom was jarless. It was one of those observations that made it sound plausible that the jars really did speak to Morian, and that she wasn't just putting it on. That even the great Necromancer General needed a quiet place to herself.

Ilina picked up an unfinished cigarette from one of the little metal UFO ashtrays and let it hang between her lips.

Morian put on a lot of things. The whimsy and the monstrous sides of her were both acts. Characters she played. She needed an audience to become the Corpse Eater. Ilina wasn't a member of the audience anymore. Hadn't been for a long time. She got to see the side of the doctor the oldest of the Fiends did. The listless, empty-eyed woman who visibly struggled to put on a smile. The broken one who would lock herself away and cry whenever the Fiends fell despite how adamant she was that they were parts and not people.

Feelings are for the living, but I always let myself get manipulated by the dead.

In no world could she convince another living soul that Morian was a creature defined by her deep feelings and attachments to the people she nominally terrorized. Sentimentality and nostalgia. That video of The Butcher had been burned to a disk and stacked in a corner along with a bunch of others. Scavenger. Hospital. Devil. Mountain. Even Minnow was among them even though it had only just arrived. The last of her Fiends. Memories of them captured and preserved. Tucked in beside them was a birthday card that the Fiends had Ilina sign on behalf of all of them, still carefully kept in its envelope to spare it from wear.

No matter how much it hurt there was no comparison to how it must have hurt Morian to drag it out and put it on display for everyone. To hold herself together in front of such a large audience. To use it like a cudgel to prove how heartless and dangerous she was, when it was so clear it was a monument to a broken heart.

She hadn't the heart to ask Morian what happened to the others. The Butcher and Scavenger died in front of Ilina, protecting her till their life support systems failed. But the others were still stationed back at Carrion. She hoped that someone else did the dirty job of putting them out so Morian didn't have to. Though she probably would have insisted she be the one to end them with her own hands.

It was getting late. She couldn't stay here forever. She wanted to. But she just couldn't.

She'd have to go find Krystyn and apologize for running away. She didn't know where the impulse to run came from in the first place. Not that it mattered. She had to apologize and make it up to her somehow.

And collect all her belongings.

As she walked down the halls of the gestalt, feeling the cool floor beneath her bare feet for the first time since she'd boarded the Gestalt in orbit back home, she thought about what to do first. She was kicking herself for leaving all of her stuff back in Krystyn's room, but showing up wearing exactly what she left with might look weird. But if she went back to her own room then she'd have to contend with Velia and how she missed their nightly rituals.

Ilina let herself make a reflexive choice as she passed the door to her room, opening it and stepping inside without bringing her eyes from the floor.

"What perfect timing!" Velia's pretty voice sang with excitement. Ilina raised her eyes to see Krystyn sitting on the floor, and Velia in her new officer's leathers standing up from the bed. She smoothed out her clothes and stood tall, smiling just so for Ilina. "I was just having a chat with Krystyn."

The voices in her head screamed at her to run for it. She could outrun Velia if she tried. Maybe they wouldn't even chase her. But that would only delay problems and make them worse. She just had to face whatever was going on in this room. Not that she had a choice once Velia wrapped an arm around her and brought her further into the room.

And that was when Ilina saw it around Krystyn's neck. A collar. Nylon with some kind of polymer buckle, and a metal d-ring with a little bone-shaped nametag hanging from it. The kind you'd give to an actual dog.

Velia was explaining something. Ilina felt like she'd been swept away by violent undertow, drowning in so many frantic feelings and thoughts she couldn't separate one from another. She kept opening her mouth to try to vocalize even one of them in hopes that they would all come spilling out and she'd be able to sort them out. But instead they just caught in her throat, filling her lungs until it ached.

"Ilina?" Velia pushed herself into Ilina's vision. "I have to go to a meeting in a few minutes. I don't know what happened, but we can talk about things when I get back. Do you want me to ask her to leave so you can be alone?"

Ilina shook her head. She managed to get out some words, thankful for the lifeline anyways. "I needed to talk to her alone anyways."

"Okay. Here," Velia pushed a small object into Ilina's palm. It looked like some kind of remote, dangling from a chain. "When you squeeze it, she'll feel a pull towards it. It's like a leash." Velia let out a playful little giggle. "And when you press the button it will... discipline her. It needs some tuning, but it's functional."

Velia gave her a hug, tight, with some kisses and nuzzles. She didn't mention that Ilina never came home last night. Presumably that was what she would be asked later. Krystyn probably opened her stupid mouth too and said some thing that Ilina would have to explain later. Ilina instinctively stopped Velia from leaving and adjusted the uniform, brushing off lint and smoothing out the lines before letting her set off.

Once the door was closed, Krystyn started saying something. Ilina couldn't hear it either.

Morian told her to give Krystyn a chance. It wasn't her fault she was stupid as sin. A brainless fucking mutt with no understanding of what she'd done. But that did nothing to soothe the heartbreak double-tap. Velia didn't care about Krystyn. She'd have held onto the leash if she did.

But you knew that already, didn't you? That she didn't know what she'd given you either. After all, if she did then she wouldn't have given Krystyn the same.

That hurt too. Morian was always right, wasn't she? She was right about Ilina and she was right about Velia. She was always right.

She was always right. So, Ilina needed to give Krystyn a chance.

"Hey," Krystyn choked. Ilina turned to see her on the ground, grasping at her neck.

Oh, right. The harder she squeezed the remote the tighter it would pull, right? Ilina looked down at the remote and saw where her nails had been digging into her palm.

"Thanks," Krystyn started to stand. "Can we talk?"

Give her a chance. She deserves it. You owe it to her. You like her, don't you? That's why this hurts so much.

Ilina pressed the button on the remote and watched Krystyn clutch her chest and hit the ground. It wasn't a shock collar, so what did the discipline feel like? An idle thought passed quickly -- maybe she should convince Morian to get her a neural hook -- before being forgotten.

Krystyn cursed something between deep, seething breathes.

She hit the button again. And again. And again. And then she was kicking and stomping on Krystyn as hard she she could as she pressed the button again and again with tears streaming down her face. Whatever fragile shell had been holding all her feelings in place cracked under the weight of a single thought.

This should hurt you as much as it hurts me.

The stupid fucking bitch grabbed Ilina's leg. She hit the button again, only to hear a grunt and a growl from the woman as she wrapped her arms around both of Ilina's legs and pulled them out from under her. They scrambled over each other. Her thrashing wasn't enough to give any pause to Krystyn at all, who managed to knock the remote out of her hand and pin her to the floor.

Tears dripped onto Ilina's face. Krystyn grasped for air and wiped some blood from her mouth.

"Fuck," she groaned slowly. "You didn't hit your head, right?"

Why are you worried about me right now?

"Hey," the breathes were pained. Wincing as she tested her own ribs with a hand. "At least tell me what the fuck I did wrong before you kick the shit out of me, okay? It feels like getting shot, in case you were curious." She groaned and cursed some more under her breath as she waited for Ilina to explain.

It felt too stupid to say out loud. Especially to someone who wasn't going to get it. She was going to look so fucking stupid for getting her hopes up again. No matter how much she squirmed or fought, now that Krystyn had the upper hand she wasn't going to be able to get out from under her. Instead of fighting, she just went limp and gave up.

Krystyn vocalized something. "No. Stop that!" She scrambled for the remote and pushed it back into Ilina hand. "Tell me what I did wrong," she squeezed Ilina's hand until it pushed the button, holding it down. Ilina watched Krystyn's eyes unfocus. The pain tearing the woman apart. And then she let go of it. "Hurt me all you want. Kick and scream. Just please don't run away from me again."

Not an explosion, but the dying embers of her resistance and rage. She was hurting so bad for so many reasons and she had to pick the one most important to Krystyn to say out loud.

"You said you loved me and then you went and let another woman collar and name you."

The older, tired, and broken pilot dragged the limp little thing up and into a too-tight hug. "Of course. Pervert etiquette," she said with a pained laugh and smile, blood staining a few of her teeth. "I can probably intuit that one, I guess. Can I explain myself?"

Krystyn just scooped Ilina off the ground and put her in the bed instead of trying to help her stand up. She curled up around a pillow, trying not to look at Krystyn who was just sitting there staring at her with those soft, killing eyes. Don't look at me like that. Please.

"Velia approached me a few days ago," Krystyn started unprompted. "When you were dragged away by those mechanics. She said she was going to keep hurting you if I didn't do what she wanted." Plausible, but only if Krystyn wasn't lying about caring about Ilina. It wasn't the original plan for taming Krystyn, but it was just as well for Velia that Krystyn cared about anything more than herself.

She explained how she'd turned it down. How she agonized about it. How when she came here first thing in the morning to check on Ilina, Velia was the only one here. How the deal was made. Krystyn gave up. No more fighting Velia, no more feigning resistance. Just acceptance and surrender.

Neither she nor Velia seemed to understand the exchange that happened between them the way that Ilina did. Somewhere in a box in her old room at Carrion was Ilina's collar. After her capture by Hekate, she never got a chance to go back, otherwise she'd still have it. Velia didn't understand what it meant back then either, or at the very least she wasn't thinking about Ilina's feelings when she put that collar around her neck in front of every girl in the barracks.

"I agreed to a bunch of very stupid things I wouldn't have if I knew this was going to be your reaction." She looked around the room and finally worked up the courage to look Ilina in the eye. "I'm sorry. I should have talked to you first."

"What did you agree to?"

Krystyn laughed nervously. "She said that if I was going to be around you, I had to look good. So, I've gotta dye my hair back to brown, cut it short... Fix my nails. She said something about a skincare routine that she'd walk me through at some point."

That was Velia's playbook alright. Ilina's name was the last thing to go, but it was all the kinds of things she was made to change. The little building blocks of her identity. It would come with plenty of praise. How good the changes looked. There would be a turning point where Krystyn wouldn't recognize herself. She would see Velia's creation. And she would love it. It would look more like Krystyn than she thought possible.

"You're going to be really hot," Ilina giggled. "She's really good about that."

"I have no doubt." Krystyn nodded. She seemed lighter after hearing Ilina calm down a little. Still staring at her with those dreadful, awful eyes. "I have to change my callsign. She said I don't have to wear the collar at all times, but the remote will tell you if I ever take it off. But, hey," Krystyn gave Ilina a little jab, "I'm allowed to go anywhere on the ship if you take me along. If I prove I'm not going to act up, I won't need the chaperone."

Ilina buried her face into the pillow before she started cackling. "So, I can take my new dog for walkies, is that it? Get it socialized and used to being around people? I hope you don't bite anyone. They put down dogs who do that, you know?"

When she turned to look, Krystyn was making a face -- a cute one, full of embarrassment and frustration -- before burying it in her hands. She had clearly not put those two things together. And then she started laughing. This full-bodied laugh Ilina had never seen before. "You know," she said in her best parental-authority voice while wiping tears from her eyes, "a dog is a really big commitment, Ilina. Are you sure you're up to it?"

Ilina pushed herself up to a sitting position and locked eyes with Krystyn, who flinched instinctively at the growing snarl on the girl's face. "I was going to just tease you about it. But I know how to play, if that's what you really want."

"Oh, no. I was just--"

"Speak."

"What?"

Ilina pressed the button and watched Krystyn grunt low and grasp at her chest like she'd been shot. "Speak."

Krystyn put a hand up when Ilina lifted the remote again and took a few more deep breathes. At a higher pitch than Ilina expected, Krystyn let out a yip. Nothing like Vigil's husky woof, but closer to the whimpering arf you got if you accidentally kicked a small dog.

Ilina leaned forward and scratched Krystyn behind the ear. "Good girl, that's not so hard, is it?"

"I'm not doing that anymore," Krystyn asserted despite leaning into Ilina's hand.

Ilina squeezed the remote, pulling Krystyn's attention immediately. "Then just take off the collar. It's not locked or anything."

Krystyn made the exact face Ilina knew she would. It was true that she could take it off at any time and put a stop to it. But that meant backing out of her deal with Velia. All the little perks Velia promised would go away. Less time with Ilina. Less freedom around the ship. That was how Velia got you. You only lost the things she gave you, that you wanted and needed, but nothing you already had. Your life was fuller for having her in it.

Eventually she reached the only conclusions he could have. "Can you at least wait until we get the thing tuned properly? I can take a lot of punishment, but this is too much."

Ilina slid the chain over her head, tucking the remote down the front of her shirt. Things started to get quiet in the room. If Velia had gotten dressed up for a meeting, she wouldn't be back for a while. She would be meeting important people. Captain Trine or Crater. She hadn't been dressing up for visits to the Hanger or the bar, nor had she felt the need to dress up for Morian.

"Mind explaining the pervert rules I broke?" Krystyn smiled too gently and gave her that too-soft expression. They felt like a candle under her feet, the little licks of flame threatening to trigger some violent response in her. "I can probably intuit it this time. But I like listening to you talk about this stuff."

Things were fine a second ago. But we had to drag it back to all of that. "It's not a rule. It just means something. Being collared and having an owner means something." Quieter. "Velia shouldn't do that so lightly."

"Because she already collared you?" Krystyn flicked Ilina in the forehead when she shot the woman an angry stare. "You said it yourself. She kept you in a dog cage at the barracks, right?" Really? She had been paying attention? Krystyn had looked so out of it Ilina assumed she hadn't heard anyone talking back then.

Ah. She really didn't want to talk about this. Especially after throwing a tantrum over it. Ilina just nodded and hoped that would be the end of it. And after a few minutes she wished it wasn't the end of it. The two of them sat quietly on the bed, not quite looking at each other and not daring to try to start up another conversation.

"I meant what I said," Krystyn stood up slowly, as if she wasn't sure if she was allowed. "But I never expected you to say it back or anything."

"Loser."

Krystyn turned back with a better fitting snarl. Something mean. It felt more natural than whatever vulnerable shelter-dog face she had been making before.

"I came out here to try to give you a chance," like Morian told me to. "Why say anything at all if you'd already given up? Did Morian take your whole spine out when was tinkering with you?"

A little push. A little challenge. Krystyn liked to feel powerful, differently than Velia. Krystyn liked the fight, where Velia enjoyed the victory. That was why Krystyn was so quick to rise to such transparent provocations. The snarl had shifted pleasantly, no longer hurt or defensive.

She said, without an ounce of self-awareness, "I just felt like it was a bit early for a declaration of war."